Dreams & Now Confusion

It's 3:15 a.m. right now. I can't sleep and it's all because of a dream that has left me full of sadness, confusion and guilt. 


First, sadness because the dream was of my little boy dying or at least drowning and I woke up while in the middle of giving him CPR so I don't know if I was able to save him or not. When I woke up it took all my strength to just breathe and not break down and cry hysterically. The first thing I did was go in his room and make sure he was breathing. He was fine and as I was walking away he woke up and said "Mommy?...I want to cuddle." We are trying to break him of having to cuddle every naptime and bedtime but this time I couldn't help myself. I laid down next to him and rubbed his back as he rubbed my arm. All the time praying. 


This is where my confusion set it. Of course I understand my all consuming grief for the dream that I had. I understand why I was devastated when I woke up. But as I began to pray I was asking God to protect Rex. To make sure that he does not leave this earth early. That he is able to live a full life and that I'm able to see him grow up. 


Why in the world would I ask this of a God that has promised us such a wonderful after life. Wouldn't I want my son to be living in God's kingdom instead of this fallen world. Yes is what I want to say and truly I want that just not yet. I want him here with me for all selfish reasons. I don't want to live a life that doesn't have him in it. I don't know what I would do with myself without him. 


In all of this I started praying to God that whatever situations come our way that we, as a family, are strong enough to handle them. That if we have to some day live a life where Rex is not a part of it that He will give us the strength it takes to move forward in life and continue His work. But I'm also praying that He chooses to let Rex stay with us. I'm praying that He takes away this confusion that I'm having because I will never fully understand these feeling. 


I know that relying on the His word is the only way to move on and be able to sleep in peace again.

 "I can do everything through he who gives me strength." 

Philippians 4:13 

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." 

Proverbs 3:5-6

In all of this I will say that I'm grateful for one things and it's what He has showed me through this. If just a dream of losing my child can feel my heart with so much grief and overwhelming feelings it will never compare to what God feels for any one of us. I can only imagine what it must feel like to sit there and allow your children to make mistakes and to even lose them in so many cases. As I prayed He chose to give me a peek at His heart and to show me that while I'm hear on earth I am away from Him and that He grieves my loss and the loss of all His children that are living in this fallen world. 

He helped me to see once again that our job here is so important. Sharing the Good News with others is a life or death decision for people here. If we do not do our job that we are called to do we are causing more grief to be brought to our God. It cause a Father who loves so much more than we do to lose more of His children. I know He does not want to lose even one. 

Think about it. If you had 10 kids would losing one be any easier just because you had 9 more left? No! Each child holds a special place in your heart. You love each of them individually and would be devastated to lose any of them equally. 

I'm grateful that God is going to use this horrible dream and experience to awaken myself but also through writing this post hopefully awaken others too! We all need to get out there and share the Good News! Shout from the roof tops that there is a God out there that is searching each and every one of us. To know us and to share His love and grace with us. That there is a Father that has missing children that He is searching frantically for. Are you going to be one that chooses to help him look for them? I know I want to be! I don't want one child of God not be with Him because I was too afraid to tell them that there Father is lost without them!

For this good news--that God has prepared this rest--has been announced to us just as it was to them. But it did them no good because they didn't share the faith of those who listened to God.

Hebrews 4:2

Though I am free and belong to now man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak, I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings.

1 Corinthians 9:19, 22-23

Now go out and share the Good News with others so God does not have to grieve the loss of even one of His children!