Conviction

Being convicted by God is never fun. I know because it happens quite often if I would listen to it more. Most recently I was talking to someone to help me figure out some issues I have been having with our current living situation and with Monkey. I reached out to her because she knows my family really well but also has chosen to live the homemaking life style that God has called us to do. She also is raising 7 children in her home so she has been through every stage that I know I will go through with Monkey. Basically, she is what I would consider an expert in homemaking. (I have been watching legal shows lately that always have 'expert' witnesses.)

Anyway, I knew that she would be completely honest with me and that she would have great advice. So I packed up my tissue, a trash bag, and my water and headed out in the car to talk to her in the parking lot on the phone so I could have some privacy. I expected to cry during our conversation, more from hormones than the subject at hand, but surprisingly that never happened. Instead we had a great conversation. What I wasn't expecting, but probably should have, was the conviction that I felt from God in the way I have been living for the past couple weeks, maybe months.

Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it-he will be blessed in what he does.

James 1:22-25

Then I read this scripture and realized that I was being convicted again. I really think that God is calling out to me to rely on Him and spend time in His word and in prayer with Him as well. My life has been a little out of sorts since our adventures this April and I haven't gotten back into the swing of things.

I have spent the past couple months feeling jealous, resentful, and frustrated with things concerning my husband. Feelings that I really shouldn't be having and if I was trusting God instead of falling into the temptation of evil  would not be there in the first place.

In April I almost lost my husband. He's only 29 years old and was almost on his death bed when he went into the ED. After a very stressful month for my family he fully recovered and is home and even back at work and starting his own business.  Things that I should be overjoyed about...right? Well instead I have been resentful on the fact that he hasn't been helping me more with getting settled into our new place and getting things ready for baby Goose. I have been jealous of seeing how my friends husbands have treated them while being pregnant and all that they have done to help their wives. I have been frustrated with the fact that there are always glasses, soda cans, dirty clothes, and shoes laying in the middle of the floor that I have to bend down and pick up and put away.

Now some of you might be thinking things such as, "He should be helping you get settled and get the baby things ready" or "Maybe your husband should see what other husbands do and get off the couch and help" or "Why can't your husband clean up after himself and put his own things away, especially now when your in your 3rd trimester?" 

I hear all that and trust me I have been thinking those things for the past few weeks or months. But God has called me to be my husbands helper (Genesis 2:18) and has called me to look after my household and to not be idle (Proverbs 31:27). 

When I have had these feelings it is because I would rather be sitting down on the couch watching TV and not worrying about getting everything done. I want my husband to me my helper even after he worked all day. Because of how sick he was and the fact that he was in the hospital for 26 days means he has a lot of recovery time. Even though he is back at work, doesn't mean that he is back to his original strength before he went in. He has months and months before he will rebuild all of the muscle that he lost. Being in construction means that he's working twice as hard and in heat that we aren't use to here in CO. So when he gets home he truly is exhausted and needs his extra rest. I might be tired and I am carrying a baby that is due any day now but I still have my responsibilities that I have to take care of. 

Caring for my husband is the main responsibility that I have here on earth. Yes, even above Monkey. And being married to a non-believer makes it a higher priority because God says, "Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that , if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives." (1 Peter 3:1-2)

If choosing to have a happy heart about having to clean up after my husband can mean that he will return to God someday, isn't that enough to make me want to clean up after him?

Shouldn't it be enough to know that God chose to let my husband stay here with me on earth for more time instead of taking him when he was so close to death before? 

Isn't it enough to know that my husband is going to work each and every day, working long, hard hours with a full time job and starting his own business to provide a better life for our family and allowing me to stay home and raise our children while fulfilling God's purpose? 

These things alone should keep me motivated each and every day to do my work here at home. Yes, as each day passes and I get closer and closer to my due date I may become more tired and need to rest more but that doesn't mean I still can't accomplish many things through out the day. I may only be able to complete half of the things on my list that I would normally be able to complete but I'm still doing it. And I need to be doing it with a joyful heart because it is healthy for myself and my family.

A happy heart makes the face cheerful,

but heartache crushes the spirit.

Proverbs 15:13

A cheerful heart is good medicine, 

but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

Proverbs 17:22

So I have been spending more time with His Word and trying to pray more and remember to pray when I start to have these feelings again. It is helping! I'm so glad too! I want to have a joyful heart at home especially! I don't like being convicted my God on things that I am doing wrong but I'm so grateful that He is there to guide me. He loves me more that I know and He is only doing the same as I am doing to Monkey. He's guiding me to make the right choices in life and to learn from my mistakes. It's what parents do!

Thank you to my wonderful advice giver that helped speak God's heart into mine! It opened my eyes to things that I was trying desperately not to see. I'm happy to say that I can see a change in my heart already and even though we have a major change coming up with trying to figure out how to add Goose to our family, I know that if I rely on God to guide me and continue to have a happy heart about the life He has given me, we will be able to get through any challenges that come our way! We already have in so many ways!